Cloth & Candy

X-mas Shopping & Stuff

2009-12-20T07:27:38Z

So, tired of feeling down in the dumps and ready to get on with my life, I left the house this morning en route to the bank, then Christmas shopping...

Let's see... 45 mins in line at the bank... sheesh... then I was on my way...

I went to JoAnn Fabrics. I needed a small jewelry making kit as I can't find my tools and I have a few pieces I'm making for gifts. I also picked up some awesome paint brushes for Jeff... he wants to start painting miniatures again. And a few $1 cook books that I think I will include in some gift baskets I'm making.

I went to the Promenade Mall. I try to avoid the mall, but this year it was calling my name. I had the thought that I could actually physically handle a trip to the mall at Christmas this year. And I did - just fine! Managed a few small gifts for Jeff and my brother... mostly all from Hot Topic! Go figure...

Went across the street to Old Navy... didn't last long in there. It was crazy nuts! Most of their stock was wiped out, the rest was hard to go through. I found one T-shirt for $5 I was going to get for my brother, but the line was all the way to the back of the store! I cut my losses, time-wise, and got the hell out of there!

Then I went over to the game shop to pick up a couple of things for Jeff. I'm not going to list them here just in case he decides to check this site for the first time in a long time...LOL.

I ended up at Big Lots where I found a couple of small things, but managed to avoid a trip to the grocery store by shopping in their food section. They have some really great stuff for really great prices.

By the time I was done with Big Lots, I'd been gone for 6 hours and was pooped! I headed home to find Jeff and Brandon both in their rooms asleep and the house dark. It was weird. Like because I hadn't been home all day, all the energy had gone out the door with me.

We watched The Watchmen this evening. Jeff loved it. I wrapped Christmas presents. It was pretty good. Really, really long, though.

I'm almost done with my shopping. Only 3 gifts left and I already know what they will be. I'm getting them at the restaurant supply, though... and it's not open on the weekends. So, I'll finish up on Monday.

Tomorrow, I'm hoping to get the Christmas Tree & Lights up and get started on all of the gifts I'm making... nothing like spitting them out factory-like at the last minute.... ah, well... some things never change!!! LOL!!!

Happy Holidays, everyone! Hope you're all finding the Peace in the Season...

XOXO,
Blaze

Writer's Block: Over the River and Thru the Woods

2009-12-18T17:30:16Z

Traveling during the holidays can be chaotic. How will you use technology to ensure the trips you have planned remain stress free?

Sponsored by LifeScoop: Bringing You Tips for a Connected Lifestyle.

View 127 Answers

Heh. I avoid it for the most part. I mean, aside from basic cell phones, credit cards and POSSIBLY printed off directions from Google Maps. GPS is just one more thing NOT to fool with while you're driving, imho.

Be safe out there =)

my response to some questions from someone considering weight loss surgery

2009-12-18T16:29:53Z

"I go in for surgery on the 21st of January...what a way to start the

new year!! woo hoo!! So tell me more about your triumphs and

tribulations along the way...I'm curious to what challenges I have to

face and what victories I can look forward to!! Did you look and feel

that different when you hit the 25, 50, and 75 lbs. loss mark? Did you

have any troubles?"

These are GREAT questions, Kady! I wish I'd thought to ask them before surgery...maybe it would have made my path a little easier. First of all, CONGRATULATIONS on your NEW LIFE!!! This is the biggest (and BEST, imho) decision you have ever made for your life! I'm so happy for you! It only gets better from here!

Now, having said that, there are times when you will FEEL otherwise. The fact of the matter is that most of us have some pretty major food issues. They are all different and unique to our life's experiences, and so the things that we go through will vary accordingly.

I eat for comfort. When I feel insecure, out of place, stressed out, sad, angry, uncomfortable. .. or any other negative emotion that I can't seem to deal with, I eat. The feeling of fullness has always equated security to me emotionally.

After surgery, I COULD NO LONGER EAT EMOTIONALLY. I could barely eat what I was supposed to eat, and for the first couple of months, EVERY TIME I ate, I felt miserable. My stomach ached, I felt nauseous all the time and NOTHING even sounded good to eat.

This combination of things sent me into a pretty deep depression. Oh, and did I mention the hormones? My hormones were wreaking havoc on me. So, I couldn't eat to deal with my emotions AND I was overly emotional due to the hormones. THIS was hard stuff.

I was trying hard not to make my boyfriend miserable. I knew I felt all crazy inside and that I was randomly angry or sad or frustrated and that if I wasn't careful, I could unload on whoever was closest. In fact, at first, I did... a lot. Luckily for me, I have an incredible boyfriend who realized what it was about and pretty much just gave me a wide berth when I got like that. But eventually, I just shut down. I quit talking because I didn't want to yell at anyone or otherwise lose control of my emotions. Add to that the guilt I had about feeling sad and angry when I KNEW I should be feeling grateful and happy about the surgery and the changes in my life and I withdrew completely.

Now, my Mom is a VERY persistent woman. At times, it has been the bane of my existence, but this time, it's exactly what I needed. She called me EVERY DAY. (She lives out of state). She recognized when I didn't sound right and she MADE me talk about what was wrong... then she gave me advice. GOOD advice. Get out of the house. Spend some time in nature. Do something creative. Nurture yourself and be understanding with yourself about having to learn new ways to cope. JOURNAL. A lot. AND TALK TO DR HARGRODER IF YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE. I waited until my check up to talk to him about it and it turned out, I needed a hormone patch. My hormones were WAY out of control. It's no wonder I couldn't deal with my stuff. What I could do... and what I DID do... was CHOOSE to follow my Mom's advice. I actually DID the things that she suggested and they HELPED... a LOT.

Also, I started counseling. Not the kind that drags me through every bad experience of my life to try and figure out what's "wrong" with me, but the kind that talks about the things that I'm thinking and feeling... and offers suggestions about alternate coping mechanisms. It's really constructive stuff and it's helping IMMENSELY.

So, the physical healing stuff is just part of it. You get used to it after a while, though I did cry (more than once) at first when I couldn't eat. Emotionally, I didn't think I could handle it. But I did. And you will, too. My emotional stuff got in the way of seeing the physical rewards at first. People would tell me that I was looking really good, but I just couldn't see it. I didn't start noticing a difference in the mirror until NONE of my clothes fit anymore and I had lost more than 50 pounds. Then it FINALLY began to sink in.

The realization comes slowly, but it comes... and it's like the sun breaking through the clouds on a cold, blustery day... finally, FINALLY... you see the rainbow.... and you realize... TRULY realize... what a blessing this is... and an optimism settles over you... you begin to realize that EVERYTHING is possible again. All those little things we gave up on... having a particular career, a family... going back to school... being a success... whatever that means to you... it's suddenly back in the realm of POSSIBILITY. Because NOW I can physically handle it. I can handle a full days work and still come home and have energy to do MORE. To clean house, to fix dinner, to take a class or work on that project...

I'm resting at night now, so when I wake up in the morning, I hit the ground running! Realizing that I am not actually LAZY is one of the most empowering realizations I have ever come to! I bought into what people told me for years... turns out I wasn't lazy at all... I WAS TIRED!!! And MY BODY HURT ALL THE TIME!!!... I didn't even know it until I wasn't anymore...

That is what is so amazing to me now... I hadn't realized how many things I'd given up on. How many things I just accepted that I would never be able to do. And now... NOW... the world is my oyster...

So, while this isn't my ENTIRE journey, it's a good chunk of it... and I hope it helps you get ready for yours... Once again, CONGRATULATIONS! And welcome to the rest of your life!!!

Shit Day

2009-12-18T05:53:24Z

But why?

I hate this. Just when I begin to feel up about things, I have a "DAY". I just wake up wrong or something. Maybe I've dumped a lot of hormones in the night. Maybe I didn't rest well. Maybe I'm just a bitch at heart.

What the fuck ever. I'm sure this isn't me. I'm sure I'm not this crazy. I'm sure I'm not REALLY capable of ripping people's heads off and shitting down their necks. Reasonably sure, anyway.

Jeff asked me today to try to be nice to my brother tomorrow. Told me I "spat poison" at him all day. I don't mean to. It's just what bubbles up sometimes. Tiny little things set me off. I get angry because people can't guess what I'm thinking or feeling... Hell, I don't even know what I'm feeling one moment to the next.

I swear to the gods, I wasn't this crazy when I was first going through puberty. Hormones make ALL teenagers crazy, but even so, I wasn't THIS crazy. It's like I have no control at all. I feel all weepy and sad about nothing in particular... it's like I start looking for things to be weepy and sad about... or angry and bitchy about... it all feels very manic-depressive. I have a couple of really good days... I clean out two closets, organize and get rid of 5 boxes of clothes and shoes I've been needing to go through for months. I feel really productive, but probably, I overdid it a bit... and today.... I feel like ASS.

I don't have anything nice to say to anyone about anything. I got very little accomplished today... though to be fair, I did get a bit of Christmas shopping done.

Poop. I've suddenly run out of steam. I should just go to bed now.
Thanks for letting me blow off some steam...
Tomorrow is another day...
another day...
another day...

XOXO,
Blaze

blazeoferus_9 @ 2009-12-16T10:59:00

2009-12-16T17:02:30Z

So, I want to start writing about my journey, but I'm kinda in the middle already... story of my life...but no longer! I start here, today. Even if it doesn't make any sense to anyone but me...

So, for anyone who isn't aware, I had a Mini Gastric Bypass procedure done on June 18, earlier this year. I have struggled with hormones, self-identity, blame and resentment, depression and numerous and sundry "FOOD" issues. It's been difficult and some days I didn't know if I was going to make it through, but I am making it... one day at a time.

Don't get me wrong, there is good stuff, too. In fact, even more good stuff than there is hard stuff. Daily, I see people that want to stop me and tell me how good I look... or better yet, they don't recognize me entirely and I have to confirm my identity...LOL. I LOVE the good stuff... I love the attention and the feeling good about myself. I love looking in the mirror and liking what I see for the first time in years.

It all has made for a really interesting roller coaster ride. One I feel I should be documenting. So, here I am... starting in the middle, but still starting... Should you find yourself reading about my journey, feel free to comment, cuss and discuss... and in my book, the questions are just as good as the answers... so, settle in and sit back for a few minutes and come along with me on my journey...

Yesterday I took Jeff to the doctor's office for a check up and since I generally avoid scales like the plague, I hadn't been on one in a while. I knew I was getting close to a "landmark" number though, and curiosity got the better of me.

I climbed on the scale and LO AND BEHOLD, for the first time in over 10 years, I weigh less than 300 pounds!!!

I can't even begin to tell you how GOOD that feels!!! I've been through some rough stuff, emotionally, since this surgery. I've struggled a lot with my own changing perspectives and how friends (and not-so-friends) are changing the ways THEY look at me. I'm not complaining. I'd do it again in a NEW YORK MINUTE!!! It's all been worth it. But has it been easy??? HELL, NO!
...But it has been the ride of my life!

So, now, at less than 300 pounds, I can cross my legs (I don't think I could EVER do that before...LOL!), I can jog up stairs, I can dance three songs and barely break a sweat. I can clean my house, I can bend over and tie my shoes. I can give myself a pedicure and even paint my toenails! I worked arts and crafts shows for the last two weekends. I stood for hours and hours... and I didn't have to spend the entire next day in bed!

So... I know everyone here has their own very personal journey. I'm not usually very good at sharing mine, but I do love to read about your journeys... your triumphs and your failures... and then how you are able to overcome... it's daily inspiration for me... so thank you... each of you... for sharing the little pieces of yourselves that help to get me through...

420 - highest weight
389 - day of surgery (6-18-09)
298 - TODAY!!!
122 pounds lost forever!!!

Tee Hee no hidden surprises here...

2008-11-10T06:59:55Z

You Act Like You Are 17 Years Old

You are a teenager at heart. You don't quite feel like a grown up yet, but you don't feel like a kid.

You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

You're quite rebellious, and you don't like being told what to do. You like to do things your way.

You have your own unique style, taste in music, and outlook on life.

What Age Do You Act?

Controversial Survey?

2008-09-28T18:44:01Z

[01] Do you have the guts to answer these questions and re-post as The Controversial Survey?
Brevity or Stupidity.... fine line. Either way, I'll post =)

[02] Would you do meth if it was legalized?
No. Meth isn't a drug I enjoy or find much usefulness for...

[03] Abortion: for or against it?
Well, not exactly pro-abortion, but definitely pro-choice. To me, abortion is a huge decision and not one to be taken lightly, but still DEFINITELY one to be made WITHOUT government intervention.

[04] Do you think the world would fail with a female president?
I think this is a ridiculous question. I think whether the world "fails" or not depends on the quality of the person/people in charge... not which bathroom they use or what color their skin is.

[05] Do you believe in the death penalty?
Hmmm.... well, maybe. In very specific circumstances. Though, in general, I don't think it's necessary.

[06] Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already?
As a matter of fact, I do. I really do.

[07] Are you for or against premarital sex?
Oh, absolutely for it. I would never want to marry someone I didn't know if I was sexually compatible with. EGADS, what happens when you figure that out AFTER the fact? Besides, it's just so much FUN!!!

[08] Do you believe in God?
Which one? The Christian one?... nah. Doesn't work for me.

[09] Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized?
I think MARRIAGE should be illegal. And civil unions should be available for all who care to have them. Who anybody chooses to share their home, their finances and their lives with is none of the government's business.

[10] Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the USA?
Wrong? Like, what, go to hell wrong??? Hey, if you lived in Mexico, wouldn't YOU want to leave and go to a better place? Sure, I think it's better if it's done legally. Pay taxes, get a driver's license and insurance, but do I think it's WRONG? No. Hell, no. I'd want out of Mexico, too.

[11] A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it?
Depends entirely upon the 12 year old, her maturity level, her support system and whether or not she has the capability of continuing to ready herself for the rest of her life (school, life skills, etc). I would say in general, a 12 year old is probably too immature and ill-equipped to deal with a child full time, but circumstances can always be unique.

[12] Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen?
Yes, and then eventually abolished. Here's an idea. Parents teaching their children to drink responsibly. Hmmm. Crazy, right?

[13] Should the war in Iraq be called off?
Yes.

[14] Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?
No. If a person wants to choose how and when and with how much dignity they are allowed to die, they should be able to do so.

[15] Do you believe in spanking your children?
In VERY rare cases. I think communication is better than a smack on the backside anytime, but sometimes, when they're just not listening, you HAVE to make them listen.

[16] Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars?
Yeah. What have we got, like a million of them?

[17] Who do you think would make a better president? McCain or Obama?
Obama

[18] Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?
Afraid? No. Do I think it might happen? It's possible. But I would like to hope not =)

Erus was so pleased!!!

2008-09-23T03:07:35Z

For Halloween, you should be Supergirl.
What is your Sexy Halloween Costume? at QuizUniverse.com

So, no surprises here...

2008-09-10T18:02:25Z

Your result for Reincarnation Placement Exam...

Gypsy Camp

57% Intrigue, 39% Civilization, 84% Humanity, 67% Crowded, 24% Busy.

You sing! You dance! You flee from the authorities!

You were a bit difficult to place, because you like civilization and humanity -- but when it comes to work, you don't really fit into the system, the ruts and the rituals, that modern civilization embraces. You like your own ways... your old ways.

We've placed you among a hardy Gypsy family. They'll have you plucking a violin before you can talk, and dancing before you can walk. The road is your home, and your horses are members of your family. You get to wear lots of shiny things.

We expect that you'll have a good life. Even if your people are surrounded by a world where they don't really fit in, they have each other, an oasis of compatibility in an unbalanced world. We know you'll make the most of it!

Take Reincarnation Placement Exam at HelloQuizzy

blazeoferus_9 @ 2008-06-10T23:04:00

2008-06-11T04:06:10Z

Teehee...look what Erus made for me!

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at MagMyPic.com

blazeoferus_9 @ 2008-06-10T22:38:00

2008-06-11T03:38:56Z

Create your own family sticker graphic at pYzam.com

MUAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

2008-06-09T20:43:33Z

-16

As a 1930s wife, I am
Very Poor (Failure)

Take the test!

Go ahead... you KNOW you WANNA.

2008-05-28T23:05:33Z

If you're on my friends list, I want to know things about you. I don't care if we never talk, if you're more of a lurker, or if we already know everything about each other.

BE HONEST! Answer the questions in a comment, then repost on your own journal if you like.

Are you currently in a serious relationship?
Yes. An open relationship with the love of my life. He is also my Dom and Daddy.

What was your dream growing up?
To be a fairy and run away with the unicorns and live in Never Never land with all of the chocolate I could eat.

What talent do you wish you had?
Athleticism. I wish I were athletic and graceful...

If I bought you a drink what would it be?
Long Island Iced Tea, baby!

Favorite vegetable?
Steamed asparagus. With butter.

What was the last book you read?
Eldest. (the second book in the Eragon series)

What zodiac sign are you?
Virgo with REALLY strong Libra tendencies. I was born on the cusp.

Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
Two tattoos. A fairy on a daffodil on my left calf and a Moon Goddess on the back of my neck on the right side.
My ears are pierced a total of 5 times, my eyebrow and nose have been pierced in the past, but are currently non-functional.
Next weekend, at Pierce-A-Palooza I'm getting my nipples pierced and my eyebrow redone.
I can't wait!

Worst Habit?
Procrastination.

If you saw me walking down the street, would you offer me a ride?
Sure!

What is your favorite sport?
Swimming. It doesn't involve any projectiles and it's the only sport I've ever been any good at.

Do you have a pessimistic or optimistic attitude?
Well, it really depends on the situation... and my mood. I can be drastically BOTH.

What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
Sing songs. As many as we could think of...

Worst thing to ever happen to you?
I lost my true self to heavy drugs for about 10 years. I almost lost my chance with my true love...

Tell me one weird fact about you.
Hmmm... I don't know. They're all weird.
How about this... I was born bottom breach. Ass first. No kidding.

Do you have any pets?
I have two dogs. Sunny and Betty Boop. They're both female.

What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
I'd invite you in, offer you a drink and ask you to join us for dinner =)

What was your first impression of me?
Very bubbly and friendly. Love your red hair...

Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
Neither.

If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
I would make my boobs perky.

Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
Oh, definitely your partner in crime...muah ha ha ha

What color eyes do you have?
Grey

Ever been arrested?
Yes. More than once. For unpaid traffic tickets. Blech!

White or red wine?
Red. Merlot.

If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
Put a down payment on a house. Or fix up my RV and do some traveling. It's a toss-up.

What's your favorite place to hang at?
The Ole Memorial Lounge... singing karaoke and sipping Long Island Tea.

Do you believe in ghosts?
Yes. Without a doubt.

Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
Crafting.

Do you swear a lot?
Yes, Goddammit. A whole fucking lot.

Biggest pet peeve?
People who wake up perky.

In one word, how would you describe yourself?
Eclectic.

Do you believe/appreciate romance?
Absolutely. It's one of life's finer things.

Do you believe in God?
Which one?

Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
Yes. Please do.

5 Things I Like (blatantly stolen from Erus' page)

2008-05-26T00:08:47Z

5 Things I Like

1. Bar-B-Que Ribs.

I am a Kansas City girl and I LOVES me some BBQ ribs. Today, we went to take Erus' daughter to see her grandmother, Erus' Mom. She smoked some pork ribs and they were YUMMY. Almost as good as the ones at Stone Mill. Which is my favorite local BBQ joint. Mmm Mmm.... Good!

2. Renaissance Festivals.

Pirates and Wenches. Men in tights and kilts. Lots of cleavage. Ale and Meade.
Enough said.

3. Hats

An article of clothing you can find to fit no matter the size of your ass. I have a massive hat collection.
And they're just so COOL!

4. Road Trips

I love taking road trips. Sure, you can fly anywhere you want to go, but you'd miss the fun of the pieces in between. All the truck stops with their bizarre retail offerings and weird fried food. The World's Biggest Ball of String. The Russell Stover Museum of Chocolate - complete with a gift shop that offers Chocolate Dyed T-Shirts 3 for $10.
Yeah, Road Trips ROCK!

5. Willy Wonka

The candy, not the movie. Although I like the movie, too. Both versions. Erus makes fun of me because I like candy so much and because the Willy Wonka kind is my favorite. Especially Runts, Nerds and Laffy Taffy. WITH the lame jokes on the wrapper.
It makes me happy.

So, there you have it. 5 things I like. Hope you enjoyed!

Something is Wrong with Me...

2008-05-21T04:28:36Z

My whole world is cock-eyed today.

I'm supposed to be writing a blog entry about my trip to Submissive Journey Weekend, but I just can't get it out. I don't have the words to describe what happened to me there. My writer's block is infuriating. Can't say what I want to say the way I want to say it.

And then there's today. I'm in a terrible mood. I'm cranky. I'm short tempered and I keep taking things personally that probably aren't.

Maybe I need a nap. Or maybe I'm hormonal. Maybe my blood sugar is off.

Maybe not.

Maybe I'm just having one of those days.

Sigh...

I've already snapped at Erus... even cursing at him. I keep feeling like he's not hearing my words, but admittedly, my words aren't coming very easily right now. They feel hateful and rude, so I'm mostly keeping them to myself. Which tends to cause me to act out in other ways. I'm not good at biting my tongue. So when I do, I can get a little forceful with my actions.

Erus noticed my actions and asked me what was wrong. I told him that I'm feeling neglected today. Told him that I felt like things were good for the first few days after I got back from my trips... felt important, loved and cherished. Now, it seems it's all running cold again. Already. I'm not ready for that feeling of euphoria I experienced when I first got home to go away yet.

I'm starting in the middle. Let me back up a bit.

I went to a wonderful retreat in the mountains of Tennessee with a small (40-ish) group of submissives. I found some wonderful truths about myself. I accepted some things, began to understand some things and was feeling very much in acceptance of my relationship with Erus.

I realized that:

1. I am not (the adjective) submissive. I am a (noun) submissive. I CHOOSE to submit to one man and one man only. (That's Erus) I chose it because he's the only man I've ever known who was worthy of it. His word is good, his actions are kind and motivated by making sure I am taken care of no matter what. He is the best man I have ever known.

2. It's OK and even human to feel resentment sometimes. It's OK to question and need to understand. I don't have to accept everything Erus tells me blindly. Questioning is part of my nature and the need to understand comes from a childhood spent not understanding anything that was happening to me... and not having anyone to talk to about it.

3. My brand of D/s is just that. It's MINE. It doesn't have to work for anyone else (well, me and Erus) but me. However we choose to define and/or practice our D/s is just as valid as anyone else's choices regardless of their opinions or anyone else's standards. (This was a big one for me)

So, I came back feeling balanced, aware and validated.

Bonus that when I returned, Erus had come to some conclusions of his own. He was finding his connection with his strength and with the execution of his domination. It was all good. In fact, it was GREAT. We were connecting on a level we haven't connected on in a while.

So, why is it that level of connection can't be maintained? Where do we lose our way?

OK, today (and probably the last couple of days), I haven't been feeling myself. I've been short tempered, I've had no patience (as opposed to the very little I usually have)... Erus had suggested that maybe it was something akin to sub-drop. Hard core sub-drop.

Hell, I spent almost a week working my ass of in the kitchen of a camping festival... I was so physically exhausted that when I got home I could barely find the time to get ready for the trip to Tennessee in between sleeping to catch up. Then I went to Tennessee. A long car trip with several people, lots of site seeing and then the gathering... with incredible amounts of energy expenditure. Another grueling car trip home, a scene with Erus, then a VERY emotional Mother's Day. Now I'm getting ready to vend at a local street arts festival this weekend. I've been burning the candle at both ends.

It's no wonder I'm not feeling like myself.

Suddenly, my words have run out again.

I really just don't know what to say.

Fumbling for reason,
~blaze!~

Taking Inventory

2008-05-21T04:20:11Z

"I want you to write about the D/s elements that exist in our current relationship and how you relate to them."

These are the words Erus spoke to me about the new blog entry that is my assignment. He wants me to blog... regularly... at least once a week, he said. I told him I was experiencing some writer's block and needed some direction so, he gave me a topic. I think it's a good topic. In the midst of everything we are struggling with, I think it's a wonderful idea to "take inventory" and realize what we already have going for us.

Now, the actual writing of this blog has proved to be more problematic than I originally thought. I really do have writer's block. I think some part of me is afraid to put all of this out to the universe again. Somehow, in my mind, if I keep it all to myself (or share only with Erus), then maybe the fates won't catch on and throw me for another loop. Maybe I can sneak by under the radar, you know? Well, regardless, I spent days working on this blog entry. It feels disjointed and not very clear to me, but it's done.

The funny thing? I was punished this morning for not having posted my blog entry yet this week (the assignment was given to me on Monday), but as I look at what I already have written, it's pretty much already done. Erus said that it was better to turn in an incomplete assignment, than not to turn one in at all... if I had a dollar for every time I got in trouble for that very thing when I was a kid... my parents were such perfectionists that if I did something less than what they thought I was capable of doing, there was big trouble. So, the perfectionism rubbed off on me... if I can't do something to the best of my ability, I have a tendency to just not do it at all (probably the root of my terrible powers of procrastination). Anyway, it was hard... and it's not my best... and to find a voice to write it in, I wrote it to Erus, so bear with me....

"I want you to write about the D/s elements that exist in our current relationship and how you relate to them."

Well, here goes...

1. In the bedroom

The place that I feel most submissive, most of the time is in bedroom. Specifically during sex. Our sex is never what one would call "vanilla". It ALWAYS has elements of D/s in it. Your power over me is HOT, it turns me on... and this is place I find it easiest to relinquish control.

2. In the household (budget, household duties, no job, cooking and serving)

I am primary caretaker of the house and our physical selves. I provide all of the services that are required for us to live a happy, healthy life together. I cook, clean, do the laundry, the shopping, the meal planning and scheduling. All with your approval, of course. I have recently taken to not only cooking meals, but serving them as well. I take pride in bringing you a plate of yummy, healthy food and seeing the look of satisfaction on your face.

3. Kaylee

I can't ever remember NOT wanting to be a Mom. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, what the hell do I know, anyway), the fates did not see fit to give me a child of my own. Maybe I'm still too much of a child myself. Regardless, when the fates saw fit to reunite me with you, my lost love, they also saw fit to bless me with your daughter. I have enjoyed getting to know and love her over the past couple of years and she has become an irreplaceable piece of my heart. What I didn't count on, was the struggle... it was hard for her to adjust (still is sometimes) to not having Mommy and Daddy together. And my being the new part of the equation just made me the logical person for her to blame. I struggled with trying to make her behave.... I struggled with letting you deal with her (or not) as you see fit... I had some real control issues... because I felt so OUT of control in regards to her not accepting me. It finally came clear one weekend when I wasn't even thinking about it. I had simply come to the place of acceptance. I couldn't change the way she treated me... I couldn't change the fact that she didn't like me very well.... all I could change was the way I reacted to it. She's a small child, for crying out loud... I'm the adult here. So, I choose to be as nice I could... and to try and make our time together as fun as possible. This, to me, has become merely another form of service to you. If I can make your daughter happy, then by proxy, I can make you happy, too.

So, there it is. It was a good exercise. It helped me to realize that there really are every day D/s elements in our lives that I wasn't regularly recognizing.

Yeah, sometimes it's good to take inventory...

TTFN,
~blaze!~